Happiest of Birthdays To My Heart

Today is your twenty-fifth birthday.

I apologize for not writing/making you a physical card like I used to. I still love you all the same and this past year has proven to me that you are and have always been the one for me.

This is the seventh birthday of yours that we’ve spent together. That’s crazy!

What a year 2016 was for the both of us, am I right? I completed my Bachelor’s and had my first full time job, and you graduated with your Master’s in BME and started your first full time job.

I know my manic episodes, my depressive state and my diagnosis of bipolar disorder all took a huge toll on you. I really can’t fathom what you’ve been through on the other side of things, and I’m sure it was hell. The look in your eyes and the fear that you always expressed must have broke you. For that, I am so sorry for ever putting you through these times. I’m so sorry for ever doubting your love, and for ever wanting to leave you when I was depressed. I’m so sorry for not being able to forgive you for when you took that week break from me. I now understand why you wanted that, it happens sometimes.

You are the definition of hard work and strength, both literally and figuratively. I’m so glad that God has blessed me with such a mentally strong individual. You are my soul mate. You are my best friend. I confide in you. You are my caregiver. You are my love. You are my everything (right after God of course).

Thank you for always sticking by my side through whatever life may throw at us. You are my keeper and you will always be mine. Through thick and thin, in sickness and in health.

Thank you for choosing me above all else. You love me so much and it is very apparent. I hope you know that I know that you love me and vice versa. Though we may argue sometimes (who doesn’t), know that I wouldn’t want to argue with anyone else but you.

You bring out the good in me. You teach me to be patient. You teach me to calm down. You teach me to never give up, to fight the fight. You teach me how to love and be loved.

I love you with every bone in my body and I cannot wait till the day that I am able to say “I do.”

Happiest of birthdays, my love. Wishing you a great year ahead – you’re going to kill it as always. I’m always on your side and I’m praying for you endlessly for peace and guidance.

Forever yours,

Buggie

 

My Experience At My First USAPL Meet

July thirtieth was the first time I’ve ever competed within the USAPL (United States of America Powerlifting) federation. Prior to this, I’ve competed twice within the RPS federation.

This was such a tough day for me mentally. For starters, a week and a half leading up to this competition, I started to withdraw from training and I started to withdraw from conversation and activity with my friends. This is what always happens when I begin to dive into a depressive state. The whole week leading up to the meet, I kept asking Kevin if I should do it or not, and if it would even be worth it since I knew I wasn’t going to hit any real meet personal records (PR’s). The night before, I kept changing my mind by going back and forth in the sense that I would tell myself that I was going to do it and then telling myself that I wasn’t going to do it because I didn’t think I was going to have fun.

As you can see, I was able to gather up some strength (what was left at that moment, that is) and I wound up competing. One of my main reasons as to why I didn’t want to go was because I had to wake up extremely early since weigh-in’s began at 6am (give or take). Another reason why I didn’t want to be there was because I knew I would be seeing my friends, and at that time, I was so depressed that I didn’t even want to see people who made me happy. Isn’t that crazy how your mind can play tricks on you in that way?

Now, from the outside looking in, I wish I was way more excited that day. For one, I did hit a small meet PR for my squat (four pounds, yay) and the crowd kept cheering for me even if I was not there mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I also wish I was way more excited that day because I got to compete with my very best friend (shown above). This girl is so important to me because she has been a ride or die since day one. No matter what life throws at our relationship, we are always able to keep a firm foundation and for that, I will never be able to repay you. Thank you, Sharing, for being able to sit with me in a crowd full of sweaty powerlifting men and women, and being able to tear in public and not giving a f*@! because you wanted to express to me how much you miss and love me.

Also, some of my Stony Brook strength family came too for support and Kev and Russ competed as well. This just solidifies how lucky I am to always have a great support system. Thank you to you all who are always there for me in the good and the bad.

Thank you to the meet directors and everyone else who contributed to making my first USAPL experience awesome. I’m not sure when I’ll compete next, but I’m excited to continue to get back into the in’s and out’s of powerlifting.

Speak soon.

– B.T.

Why I’ve Had Attachment Issues

Growing up, my siblings and I mostly had a great childhood. Up until now, there were oftentimes many instances in which I would feel an empty void in my heart as if something was missing.

After going to therapy and after some self-reflecting, I think I can now say I know why I’ve had attachment issues. Let’s get right into it.

For starters, I’ve talked about how wonderful my parents are but I’ll talk about them again. My mother gave up her job and has been a stay-at-home mom (not an easy job at all and I hate when people undermine stay-at-home moms) since my older brother was born, and my dad has worked hard his whole life, but even more so ever since he came to America. When I was born, I think it was till I was three my dad was an overnight Chinese car service driver. He then found a mentor who believed in him and his love for cars that allowed him to open up his own mechanic shop and become the small business owner that he is today.

You may be asking, what do my parents have to do with me having attachment issues?

Well, though my mother is an extremely strong individual, she does however have a lot of health problems. In eighth grade, I remember crying at my mom’s bedside apologizing to her for being such a bad daughter because she was really sick and she had to be hospitalized. Then in high school, mom was diagnosed with breast cancer (don’t worry, she fought it and she’s okay now).

As for my father, as you can see, dad is a really hard worker and as a small business owner, you must tend to your business more so than if you just work for a corporate company. I remember when I was around eight years old, dad went away to China for a whole month for business and I hated that. And though I see my dad at dinner every night, the only time that I really get to spend quality time with dad was and is during vacations and Sundays.

Even thinking about my childhood and my upbringing still makes me sad sometimes, but they’re mostly bittersweet emotions because I know my parents ultimately did what they could to keep us happy. I’m a pretty strong individual, but I’m also allowed to be human right?

Anyways, I picked up a part-time job finally and I must leave to go to work soon. Speak soon.

Blessings on blessings, y’all.

Always,

B2

 

Sunday Thoughts

For the past two days, Kevin and I were able to celebrate his birthday early with most of our friends. On Friday, we went with our college friends to a Peruvian place, and last night we went with most of our home friends to an Italian restaurant. It’s always a great time being able to break bread with people that we are able to call family. 

Anyways, happy Sabbath everyone.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what the word “privilege” means to me. By definition, if used as a noun, the word means – a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group of people.

To me, this means that I am privileged to be alive, all because of the awesome support system that I have. This support system extends from my family, my friends, to my healthcare providers, my readers, etc.  Time and time again, I hear that my mental illness is very severe, which is why I take all the medication that I take. As much as I complain about how taking meds makes me lethargic and such, I should feel privileged because I have the ability to see all these healthcare professions who know how to take care of me and my condition. And that I do. I truly do feel privileged.

I feel privileged to have such a loving boyfriend who cares so much for me. I’ve always known he would be the one since I was sixteen. But what truly solidifies this notion of him being the one, is all his great acts of kindness and love for me. He pours out his love in such an unconditional matter. As much as I can give him attitude and as much as I can be irritable and act like a brat sometimes, he’ll turn the other cheek and just suck it up.

I don’t know what I’ve done to have so many blessings fall into my lap. I am privileged in every single aspect. God, you’re a funny one. What did I do to deserve all that I have?

The bible says,

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works, my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” – Psalms 139:13-16 ESV

My interpretation of these verses is that even before we were born, God created each and every one of us to be special and unique. God knew the trials and tribulations that we would face, God dealt each of us different deck of cards because He knew that we could handle these situations.

So thank you, Lord, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

God is love and love is God. 

Always,

Brettany

Momma and Pops Warrior

I’ve written a general appreciation post for both Momma and Pops’ families (linked here), but I’ve never written about them individually. So here we go. This is a post for my second family, my second parents. Lettuce dive right into it.

Momma and Pops Warrior,

Hello! There are so many things that I could thank the both of you for that I do not know where to begin. I’m sure I’ve written the two of you multiple cards that have said the same thing over and over again, but that just solidifies how lucky I am to have you guys in my life.

Where do I begin with my thanks?

Thank you for taking me in since day one. I remember in high school I would come over your house a lot in the beginning when Kindness (Kevin) and I started dating, and you’ve always welcomed me in with open arms. Through college, and to where we are now – your love stays the same. It is an unconditional type of love. No matter what, I know that through it all, I have another pair of parents who know how to love me forever and always. I’m so lucky in this way.

Thank you for setting an example of what love is for Kevin and I as well. Though you got married at a young age, the both of you have worked extremely hard to provide for your family. You remind me of my parents in this way too.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for being who you are in my life. It is a privilege to know that one day I will be legally part of the family. That will probably be one of the happiest days, if not THE happiest day of my life.

I love you both so much. Never forget that.

Always,

Brettany

Brains and Brawn

Hello Brains and Brawn,

I hope you are well! I know we don’t talk all the time but know that no matter what, you can always come to me and your older brother for help, whatever it may be. If you need help with something for school, if you need a ride, relationship advice, etc. We will always be here for you.

Like Nickelodeon, I’ve also had the privilege of seeing you grow up within these past seven years. It’s amazing how strong (both literally and figuratively) you’ve gotten over these years – it’s truly fascinating. There’s something about you that reminds you of me. I think that you are a very smart individual. When you find something that you’re passionate about, you’ll dive into it fully.

Remember that talk that you and I had about a month ago downstairs at your house? You have a lot of potential. But remember that you must keep your family close because at the end of the day, at the end of our lives, those who will be there always will be our families. Your family loves you so much (I know it’s hard to recognize that sometimes because often times actions speak louder than words), and I think deep down you also know that this is true.

You are a warrior. Your last name literally means that you are a warrior. Keep fighting for your life, keep fighting for our country. You will always exceed our expectations because you are such a hard worker.

We all love you, I love you, your older brother loves you. Don’t forget that.

Always,

Brett

Nickelodeon

This is a post about a young boy who will some day be my brother-in-law.

Dearest Nickelodeon,

It’s crazy to know that I’ve basically seen you grow up in these past seven years that your oldest brother and I have been together. The first time I met you was back in 2009 and you were such a little squirt (you are actually¬†still a little squirt – haha just kidding). You were only two years old. Now you’re ten – where the heck did the time go?!?! That’s crazy. Anyways, I’m so glad that I’ve had the privilege of seeing you grow up right before my very own eyes. You are such a bright kid.

The way you learn things so quickly and the way that you absorb information is quite fascinating actually. But, do you know what my favorite thing about you is? I would definitely say that my favorite thing(s) about you would be your kindness, and the way that you love your family and friends.

I know it can get lonely sometimes because your older brothers are much older and sometimes you just want someone to play with. Well, know that if I’m ever available, I’m always going to be here for you. I’ll be there for you when you graduate elementary school, I’ll be there for you when you enter middle school and when you transition into high school, I’ll be there for you when you have your first relationship.

I love that when we have conversations, we’re able to bounce ideas back and forth like no other. It’s quite awesome actually. And whenever I teach you something like how to use Snapchat for example, you are able to learn so quick!

Keep your brain sharp, stay away from the bad guys, and stay true to who you are. Never forget where you came from and how hard your parents work to give you all the nice things you have, because they love you.

We all love you so much and we all can’t wait to see you continue to succeed in your life.

I love you!!!

Always,

Brettany