This whole blog is pretty straight forward in terms of my life, but I wanted to make a post that specifies my personal experiences, my story.
I’ve written about my depressive states, I’ve mentioned me spending some time in a psychiatric ward and having multiple visits to the Emergency Room within this past month. What I haven’t talked about though is how much God, my family and my friends, going to therapy and the ER truly saved my life.
Where do I begin?
Well, as you can gather from my past posts, I had another depressive state that lasted from the summer to late Fall 2016. If you ask me why I dived deep into yet another low in my life, I can definitely tell you why and how it happened because I know myself pretty well. I became depressed because I didn’t get the job that I so badly wanted at that very moment. Don’t worry though, because I truly do believe that everything happens for a reason and God has a reason behind all of His works. Anyway, I digress.
When I get depressed, it’s as if I turn into a completely different person. I become mute, I withdraw from any and all social activities, I watch a bunch of TV to pass time, and I sleep like there’s no tomorrow. Here’s the thing – I am cognizant about this and deep down, I know that there’s a part of me that’s still there that wants to receive love/guidance but I guess I become too arrogant to even ask for help.
I have a lot of people praying for me, and I have a lot of friends and family who were concerned for my wellbeing. I’ve been really blessed in this way, because I have so many individuals who really care about me (thanks everyone, I love you guys so much). God honestly is so wonderful in this way – this last depressive state was my lowest of lows, but I’ve learned a lot coming out of this state. I finally asked for professional help, and I’m learning more and more about my disorders and how I can be stable in the long run.
I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety, bipolar disorder, and adjustment disorder. I suffer from both anxiety and panic attacks which in turn makes me a hypochondriac because oftentimes my mind will just think the worst of the worst. I’ve learned that everything and everyone can trigger me. My senses have always been heightened, so I really dislike loud noises (especially people raising their voice and yelling at me). Colors trigger me, and so do some smells. I don’t know if I’d really call it PTSD, but I can definitely say that all of these senses bring me back to suppressed memories that I’ve blocked out.
I hate not being heard. I hate being bored. This has been my whole life essentially till now, and I never knew why – but I think I’m really learning more about myself by the grace and sovereignty of God. Again, I am a firm believer that God speaks through experiences and people – but everything within His timing. Anyway, growing up was pretty interesting for me. As stated in my past posts, I started piano at the age of three and then switched to violin at the age of five. I read about something in psychology that that can differ your way of seeing the world (not trying to say I’m so special or that I’m better than anyone though). If you ask me to give you a couple of memories from each age from the age of two, I can actually recite my life to you like it’s a book! I was always treated differently in school, because I guess I’ve always been a fast learner and because I’m usually pretty hyperactive.
Middle school was a pivotal moment though in my life – in seventh grade, I hung out with a different group of people than I normally did in elementary school, I fell in “love” and my grades started to drop and I started missing school because of certain triggers and events and family issues. Thus, my stunted growth began.
Things got a little better in eighth grade, I started hanging out with people who were genuinely interested in being my friend, and it all went up from then on. High school was great!! I’m one of those small hometown kind of gals who can genuinely say that high school was amazing. I had many friends both from home and church, I met the love of my life, and my parents took me on many international trips. It was great.
But, you know, personal and family issues really played a huge role in my life till now and I could never really pinpoint as to why they did till I started going to therapy and talking and letting it all out. I always felt like I had to take care of my mother, especially since I was the last of the kids to stay at home. I felt like I had to take on the world, and I still feel like that at times. Also, I always felt that I was not as smart as my peers in middle school and high school, because I didn’t try as hard and because I gave up so easily on my grades. But, I know now that it was just because of boredom and because I was uninterested at the time. Honestly, I LOVE learning and I think knowledge is power (just don’t think you’re a know-it-all or else! No one wants to be around one of those guys). Through it all though, I also always had music as a form of expression, which I wrote about here and here.
I wrote about my college depression (which can be found here) but all in all, college was better towards the end because I figured things out in terms of doing what had to be done for me to graduate, and I have awesome friends which you can read about in my Love Series.
Circling back to my “road to recovery” I like to call it. This is my story. I’ve seen so many doctors/nurses in the past few weeks because certain things trigger me – this is what starts a manic episode for me. So, I’ve gone to the ER three times, and I finally spent a whole week in a hospital psychiatric ward to figure out my habits and to be observed and to finally get on medication as needed.
I don’t really like taking too much medication because I’d rather do things much more organically, but if that’s what the doctors say is right for now, then I’ll listen. I just really hate how lethargic medication makes me feel.
All in all, when I am weak then I am strong. I am so lucky to be here today, I am so lucky to be alive. God has pulled me out of the darkness AGAIN like He always does. I am so privileged to be loved by our Almighty King. I am so privileged to be loved by my family and friends.
For those of you out there who are struggling – please know that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. You’re going to make it. Just try your hardest to keep fighting and do seek help. Use your voice and be heard. Everything will be okay eventually. There will always be highs and lows in life, keep your head up high and focus on the prize.
My goal in life is to be happy. I want to be surrounded by my family and friends always, and I’d just like to give back to society and shower God’s love to others because He has done so much for me to have such a beautiful life.
I know not everyone is as spiritual as I am, but I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. God loves and saves me, as does He love YOU and He does save YOU as well. That’s what I believe in at least.
I’ve learned to love myself. I’m happy.
Thanks for reading, much love to you always.
Peace and Blessings,