Hello, it’s me. Starting the next series right here, right now.
I’ll be honest, this post is very hard for me to write, only because it is so personal and that, in it of itself, makes me feel extremely vulnerable. But, hey, I’m doing all of this in hopes that I can help someone overcome their own struggles by writing about how I was able to come out on top, right?
Jumping right into it – I’ve mentioned this before. I know for a fact that I have been seasonally depressed every Fall/Winter since my sophomore year of college back in 2013. For the longest time I could not figure out why this happened to me over and over again, but looking from the outside in, I now have an idea of why this happened to me over the past couple of years. The way I see it, I viewed college as a deadline. Each year that passed by, I thought to myself, “great – I have no idea what I want to do in the future.” Every time I thought about the years ahead, I would shrink. Even thinking about it now, it makes me feel slightly uneasy – the difference between these seasonal depression periods and where I am now, though, is that I surrender all my worries and my troubles to God, for He is almighty, and my life is in His hands.
I don’t feel like talking in circles, but I do think mentioning the most recent period of seasonal depression (early August to early February of this year) can resonate with some others. Before I begin writing about this, here’s a disclaimer – I am okay now. I am the happiest I’ve ever been, I feel as if all my burdens have been lifted off of my shoulders, and it’s literally one of the best feelings alive. Here we go.
For starters, this past summer was awesome. I had an internship (which I will speak about later on), I got to see all my friends and family on a daily basis – it was great. In a sense, you can say I mentally blocked out what was coming for me in the Fall semester because I was scared crapless. And boy, that was one of the worst things I could have done for myself. Looking back, I noticed that I was not feeling like myself a couple of days after my internship had ended, right when August rolled in. You see, I believe I tend to get lost when I feel as if there is no purpose to my life. As much as I tried to be myself, I can see now that slowly but surely, I began to deteriorate. On top of the upcoming semester being an endmark (I actually didn’t graduate then – I finished in January 2016 – more on that in a different post), Kindness had a Fall co-op internship all the way in Indiana, and that was the icing on the cake for me. There were three worries going on in my head, and because of all of these things, I became, in a sense, nothing.
There would be days where I literally could not get out of bed, where I sobbed for hours, not knowing why. I shut out all of the people in my life, because apparently when things get rough, that is the coping mechanism that I resort to. To all my friends and family – I’ve apologized before, but I am going to say sorry again, for that is NOT who I am.
Moving forward, in early February after I finally finished my undergraduate career, I realized that I needed to get out of this dark hole. By the grace of God, I was saved – He lifted me from the depths of my soul, and I became new.
I mended all of my relationships. I literally reached out to every single person that I may have hurt, and thankfully, I have really loving individuals in my life that understood where I was coming from. I then got a full time job after only being two/three weeks in the job market. My self-esteem started peaking again. Are you seeing a pattern here? Through the darkness, God was by my side. He never left me, He just didn’t want to pry. He wanted me to experience Him, He wanted me to come to Him with open arms.
Man, being able to write all of that out electronically on paper makes me grin from ear to ear. I am so blessed that my almighty God is my Heavenly Father. Thank you thank you thank you thank you.
Who knows, maybe I’ll get seasonally depressed again next Fall, maybe I won’t. Whatever happens, I will look to God and I will not worry. He has His plans for me and that gives me peace.
I am honored to be Your child, Lord. May You continue to show me who You are, daily. May you use me as a living testament so that others may come to know You fully.
– B. T.