There’s a lot that happened to me when I was in middle school, a lot that I wish could be undone. But, of course, there is no time machine, as much as we would all want one, to reverse our previous actions, our previous relationships.
When I was twelve, I had just graduated elementary school and I was heading to middle school (in my town, middle school begins at seventh grade). Growing up, I didn’t have many play dates. The people that I would play with the most would be my neighbors. As for my close friends, I would mostly talk to them on the phone or hang out with them once in a while. Anyway, I digress.
I remember that summer transitioning from elementary school to middle school; I was heavily influenced by hip-hop. It was August – a previous classmate who I’ve known since second grade was having a birthday party and I remember so badly wanting to fit into society’s standards of being “cool.” I wore a black printed t-shirt, tight fitted jeans and white air force ones (I then also had a name belt and name necklace). I also remember shocking everyone who was in that room because I’ve never dressed like that before.
Come middle school – I started hanging out with a different group of friends that I considered to be “cool” (I mentioned that in a previous post here). Most of them weren’t in the same classes as I, but I wanted to hang out with them anyway because I thought hanging out with all the “cool” people would make me “cool.”
My first relationship was with a boy which we will call Boy A in October of 2005. Our relationship didn’t last long, because we were more like friends than we were boyfriend and girlfriend. It was very pre-mature; we barely even held hands. But, we broke up in December because I started to like Boy B and Boy B wanted to be with me too.
The relationship I had with Boy B lasted for about six months. It was a very interesting (to say the least) relationship. Boy B was older than me by a year, and at that time, I thought he was the coolest and most handsome boy that I could ever date. I mean, I was also going through puberty and because he liked me back, I also thought that this was the best relationship I could ever have. Looking back, though, our relationship was just puppy love. The only times we could really “hang” out would be at church, and we spoke on AIM most of the time.
My relationship with Boy B was not healthy. There would be times where I didn’t know what was going on and I would just let Boy B step all over me and “control” me. That’s all I will say, and you can interpret it however you may want.
I also remember in February when I was hanging out with the group of friends that I hung out with at school – it was a friend’s birthday. She had persuaded me to pay for her nails and then I went to her birthday party where there was dancing and possibly alcohol (I could be wrong about the alcohol because I have suppressed this memory till just recently).
Because of all these factors like boys and hanging out with the “wrong” crew, coupled with family issues, my grades dropped a lot and there would be times where I would hate going to school. I asked my mom if I could stay home a lot because that’s how much I hated getting dressed in the morning and that’s how hard it was for me to muster up any energy to go to school.
My heart was broken in June because Boy B cheated on me.
A part of me was really hurt, but a part of me also felt extremely relieved because I think I knew that our relationship wasn’t working. Good riddance.
I then decided to date Boy A again, but he cheated on me as well. Such good luck I had, am I right?
Anyway, in conclusion, it’s not to say that I made mistakes (because I don’t like using that word) and that I hate all these people (I really don’t, I forgive those who have wronged me and taken advantage of me), it’s more that I was young and naive and I didn’t know what was going on around me. I was easily persuaded to do certain things.
So, to twelve year old me,
You’ll be okay. You made it out alive through all these years and you’re still alive and well and strong AF. Stay woke. You’re now almost twenty-four and you’ve accomplished a lot. Don’t sweat it too much.
Your older self